The following is a seminal story written by a me, years and years ago, but it has never been published before, due to some unheralded circumstances. For those of you who have kids who would prefer to shove the lame fairy tales up your arse, well, this one would make an excellent bedtime story. And for those in-charge of the Piracy Department who may well be planning to snitch my story for your own beneficial purposes, I’ll personally shove this story up their arses!
Once upon a time there lived a rich merchant, Sir Loges Woo IV, who sold porcelain toilet seats for a living. Sir Loges Woo was so rich that he had pretty much everything he needed. Somehow he felt that something was missing in his life. He knew that he had everything and that he could possibly have anything that he wished for. But he didn’t know what it was.
He called for a meeting with all his servants and said that if anyone of them could figure out and give him what he wanted, he would give his entire collection of rare toilet seats to that particular person. And the rest of them would be fed to the lions. Who would have imagined that Sir Loges Woo had such a kind and generous heart?
A week passed and Sir Loges Woo called for a meeting again and this time, he brought the lions with him.
Sir Loges Woo noticed that only three servants were present at the meeting, so he told his personal assistant to throw the rest of his servants who didn’t turn up for the meeting into the lions den, anyway. ‘But you only have three servants, sir,’ was the reply.
The first servant was called to present what he had brought. ‘Sir, what I have in this box, you could have only dreamt about in your wildest dream, if you ever had one.’
Sir Loges Woo was anxious to see what the box contained. The servant opened the box, brought out an object and put it over his head and said, ‘This thing that I have on my head are called headphones. Hook the jack to the stereo and put the other end over your head like this and you get music directly and only to your ears!’ Far out, don’t you think?
Sir Loges Woo wasn’t surprised at all. He then pushed his hair lightly over his ears and pulled out something that looked more like a pair of earplugs and said, ‘Wireless earphones by Sony.’ 60 KGs of fresh meat for the lions in the cage, coming up!
The second servant was called for. ‘Sir, what I have inside this box, you could have only heard about in a fairy tale.’
Again, Sir Loges Woo was eager. The servant opened the box and brought out a bloody heart. He held it high above his head and shouted out loud, ‘Behold, the heart of Snow White!’
Sir Loges Woo was flabbergasted. ‘How and where on earth did you get it?’ he asked.
‘I was walking in the woods late last night close to around eleven, when I stumbled upon Snow White’s stepmother’s henchman who was on his way back to the castle and he was holding a box in his hand. When I asked what he had in it, he told me that it contained Snow White’s heart. And the first thing that came to my mind was you, sir, and so I traded my solid gold tooth for the heart just for you, me dearest sir, just for you!’
Somehow Sir Loges Woo knew where the story was leading to, but he decided to go along till the end of it and then shouted, ‘It’s a deer’s heart, you idiot! Haven’t you read the story?! Guards, throw him to the lions!’
Sir Loges Woo was pretty pissed off with both his ex-servants, now deceased, and called out for the last of the lot.
Shivering from head to toe, the third servant came and stood in front of Sir Loges Woo, already knowing his fate. Sir Loges Woo asked, ‘What have you brought for me?’
“I have brought you nothing, sir….”
‘You mean to say that you didn’t bring me anything?’
“Err…yes, sir, I brought nothing…”
‘Nothing?!’
“Nothing, sir.”
All of a sudden, Sir Loges Woo burst out laughing with joy and said, ‘Son, you have made my day. All these years I’ve been longing to know what I really wanted in life, something money can’t buy, and something even happiness can’t give. You have opened my eyes wide and you have fulfilled my lifelong dream of having something I never had; nothing.’
The servant received the rare collection of toilet seats as promised and Sir Loges Woo, well, Sir Loges Woo went cuckoo and gave away everything he had, just to have nothing.
All well that ends well.
There isn’t any moral value in this story, so the choice is yours to go and figure out your own and be happy with it. Like I’ve mentioned earlier, I can’t do too many things at a time.
Anyway, just because all of you are a lazy lot of beings who are way too far from the Thinking Department, here’s the moral value that I have learnt from the story; never feed a lion more than once a day. Just think of all the time you would have to spend cleaning up the droppings later. It’s stupid… and I could go on and on and on.
